What’s a skill you consider basic, that most people
don’t actually know how to do?
Sitting with someone who is suffering seems like a basic human skill. It is also one of the hardest.
As a young man in my twenties, I regularly visited people in an oncology ward. They were experiencing all kinds of emotions. Some were angry. Some were in shock. Some were depressed. I wanted to help, but often I spoke too much and listened too little. I was uncomfortable with silence. I wanted to direct the conversation, offer suggestions and find something useful to say.
Looking back, some of that helpfulness was probably an attempt to manage my own discomfort. Advice gave me something to do. Silence confronted me with the fact that I could not fix what was happening.
The younger the patient, the harder I found it. One man was the same age as me. There were days when I struggled even to walk into his room. His suffering came too close. It forced me to face not only his vulnerability, but my own.
Over time, I began to learn that presence requires more courage than eloquence. The important thing was not always to say something wise. Sometimes it was simply to enter the room, sit down and remain.
I also learned that silence is not necessarily a failure. It can say: I am not frightened away by your pain. You do not need to make this easier for me. I am willing to stay.
That learning required honesty. What was happening for the other person? What was happening in me? Why did I feel the need to speak, solve or retreat?
Experience alone does not always teach us. Reflected experience can.
Gradually, I began to understand that sitting with suffering is less about doing something for another person and more about being with them. It means resisting the urge to explain their pain, improve their mood or lead them somewhere more comfortable.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is face our own fear, walk into the room and stay.
The Afterword 
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