Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?
I’ve recently been doing an online course with a new friend. It’s called The Friendship Lab, and it began with a question that caught the course creator by surprise.
He was preparing to become a foster carer when someone asked, ‘Who would you call at 2.00 am if you needed help?’ He couldn’t think of anyone. That discovery began his journey into understanding friendship.
There’s a certain irony in this for me. As principal of a university residential college, I’m sometimes the person people call at 2.00 am. The same is true for my staff. And if I needed help, I know there are people I could call.
But being needed isn’t necessarily the same as being a friend.
Throughout my career in ministry and education, I’ve developed many warm relationships. Yet these often involved responsibility or authority. The course identified three essential elements of friendship: freedom, equality and mutuality. Friends choose one another, meet as equals, and both give and receive.
I’ve also discovered how easily friendships can drift.
For thirty years we lived in an insular beachside community. Ten years ago, we moved away. Not very far, but far enough that our paths rarely cross. When we meet, people are always warm and friendly. But the everyday encounters that sustain friendships have largely disappeared.
As we grow older, friendships require more intentional effort. We can no longer rely on the shared routines of school, work, sport or church.
Interestingly, I’ve been doing this course with someone who is also a relatively new friend. We’re learning about friendship while developing one. And since he may well be reading this, I hope he agrees!
It won’t be long before we return to our old community. Some friendships will have endured, others will have changed, and there will be opportunities to make new ones.
I’m curious to discover what has changed, not only in the community but in me.
And I’m encouraged by the thought that friendship isn’t simply about preserving relationships from the past. There are still friendships that haven’t yet begun.
Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?
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