Which relationship has taught you the most about yourself?
Marriage is a long mirror. It involves the slow discovery of who you are through decades of shared life. You learn your habits, blind spots, strengths and loyalties. You also discover the difference between loving someone in theory and adjusting your life around another person in practice.
A quote by Joseph Barth has stayed with me for years. He is reported to have said, “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” After forty years of marriage, I think I understand what he meant. Marriage has not simply taught me about another person. It has repeatedly taught me things about myself.
My wife is astute at reading people. That means there are things about myself I might manage to hide from others, or even from myself, that are much harder to hide from her. She notices patterns. She knows when I am anxious, when I am avoiding something, when I am tired, when I am taking something too seriously. Sometimes that can be confronting. After forty years, there are not many places left to hide including behind my own explanations.
But that is also one of the gifts of marriage. Sustained intimacy exposes our habits, defensiveness and blind spots, including the ones we have become very good at explaining away. A partner does not simply see what we do. Over time, they come to recognise the stories we tell ourselves about why we do it. Being truly known can be uncomfortable. Being truly known and still loved creates the possibility of growth. Love gives us the safety to keep looking rather than turning away.
I don’t think Barth was suggesting that people need to be married in order to mature. Rather, marriage provides one particular kind of persistent relationship. You can change jobs, leave organisations and allow friendships to drift. In a long marriage, the same person keeps encountering you, year after year. And so the growing up continues.
Perhaps that is what Barth meant. Growing up is not finally becoming a finished adult, it is remaining willing to discover that there are still things about yourself you have not seen clearly.
Which relationship has taught you the most about yourself?
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