Two months after retreating into a semi-permanent relationship with her phone, local woman Clare Montgomery has announced plans to give “offline life” another go.
In a statement released from her kitchen bench—via Notes app screenshot—Clare confirmed that she’ll be attempting to reintegrate with real life, as long as it doesn’t require group activities or being more than 30 seconds from a charger.
“I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” she wrote. “But I owe it to myself—and to my posture—to try.”
The decision follows an emotional intervention from several household items, including her indoor plant, now presumed dead, and a coffee plunger that hasn’t seen coffee since Easter.
Sources close to Clare (mainly her neighbour’s cat, who sometimes watches her through the window) say the shift was prompted by a moment of sudden clarity while trying to scroll through six streaming platforms at once and realising she hadn’t blinked in twelve minutes.
Friends have responded cautiously. “We support her journey,” said longtime mate Jules. “But she once messaged me from across the room instead of speaking, so… we’ll see.”
Her phone, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons, is reportedly “nervous but supportive,” noting that Clare has promised to reduce screen time but not eliminate it.
Asked whether she misses the real world, Clare replied, “It’s complicated. I like birdsong and sunsets, sure—but have you ever doomscrolled under a weighted blanket while eating cereal from the box? That’s also a form of beauty.”
At time of writing, Clare had gone 46 minutes without checking her phone.
Sources say she was last seen staring suspiciously at a tree.
The Afterword 
Leave a comment